Kids????

When I was 12 I thought God and I had an agreement. If, as I got older, I ever blessed by becoming pregnant, I’d keep the baby-although in the case of rape more things might need to be considered. Basically what I thought it was, was that if God let me become pregnant, then all would be good and I’d keep the baby, even if I was only a teenager.

Many years passed before I ever even had sex, let alone had a chance to become pregnant, but finally, when I was about 23 I found out I was pregnant. As soon as I found out the wonderful news, I realized the relationship I was in was a bad one and I’d need to get out of it. Doing whatever needed to be done, I ended the relationship. Within about a week I discovered I was no longer pregnant.

I have to admit that I was pretty mad at both myself and God. I knew it was all my fault. That I’d been a failure as a human. I also didn’t understand why God would break our agreement. Granted he hadn’t said the words “yes, we have a deal” but at 12 I’d been so sure we’d had an understanding. Now that I’m 39 I know God has understandings, I just probably don’t get the part he’s understanding or how he’s meaning me to understand him.

Anyway, after that loss, I vowed to kill myself by eating. It’s been 16 years now and I’ve managed to gain about 200lbs towards my goal. For the record, I have tried several times over the past 16 years to lose weight. I’ve not been able to lose more than about 50lbs. Sometimes I think it’s because of the vow I made. Other times, I think maybe it’s just a coincidence. I’m not sure. I guess only time will tell.

So, why am I going on about of this today? I’ll tell you…this morning, my husband scared the daylights out of me. While waiting in the drive through at Wendy’s he says “what do you think of us having kids?” I can’t believe it, but it actually scared me for a few minutes.

I’ve always thought I’ve wanted kids and until I met my husband and got married, I’d even worked out plans for kids without a husband. Truthfully though, since getting married, I’ve been pretty happy with it just being us and the cats. When I finally decided I couldn’t live without a dog any longer, we added Tonks. While we haven’t even had her for a full month yet, I can safely say that in this past month, I’ve discovered she makes me feel old and that she wears me out sometimes. As surprising as it is, I’ve actually been glad she’s only a puppy and not a baby, yet here my husband is, asking me about having a real baby.

It all sounds good, right? So why does the thought scare me? Pregnancy itself now terrifies me. I’m almost 40, overweight and basically old. Adopting kind of scares me because I’ve seen too many Lifetime movies and while I do know that most adopted kids are awesome, I’m convinced that it would be just our luck we’d end up with a future serial killer on our hands. Would surrogacy be for us? Probably not when you take into account the cost. That lets us back to adoption or having our own child which means I’m back to being scared. The one saving grace for all of this is that we’ve got time to adjust to the idea.Even if we wait for me to lose weight and get pregnant, or decide to adopt, we have plenty of time to get used to the idea of being parents. Hopefully at some point some of the scariness will ease. Surely it will. Right?

Updates

Face-finally cleared up. Went to the doctor, got some lovely antibotics and the face is finally back to normal. YAY!

Puppy-We're thinking of new names for her. Maybe something like Princess PoopsALot or Baroness of the Bathroom. Aside from the fact that she goes potty a lot, she's doing pretty good. She still has a little trouble eating sometimes, but all in all, she seems to be doing well. We'll know more after her next appointment on Saturday though.

Mom-So, very early Thursday morning mom went into the hospital. She hasn't had a heart attack, but she is having some issues and they'll be putting a stint in her today. Hopefully, that'll be all she'll need. If it's not, then she'll be having bypass surgery too.

Things about me

The other day my husband handed me a slip of paper. At the top was the word Issues: and then following was a list. Looking at the list, I couldn't help but laugh because I knew exactly what it was. Back in the early days, before we started dating, as my husband and I would talk, I'd say "oh, I have issues with......" Being the smart man he is, he kept track of things I have issues with, so I'm going to post them here. It's kind of like one of those "25 things about me" lists, only, clearly these are things I have issues with. As I can, I'll explain the issue too.

1.trains-pretty much I'm convinced they're going to jump whatever track they're on and come get me. However, I do love toy trains and trains at amusement parks. Everyone knows it's the wild trains you have to watch out for.

2.Eyes-Eye drops, pictures of eyes, eyes popping out, you name it, they freak me out.

3.Olives-Everyone know olives are nasty and poisonious. The only way you can eat olives and live to tell about it is in a homemade burrito, where there's plenty of sourcream to contact the poison. Don't ask me why it's that way, it just is.

4.The Beatles-I can't stand them. Oddly enough I do like several of their songs, especially the earlier songs like Can't Buy Me Love, but all in all, I don't get what the big deal is. As for John Lennon--totally overrated. I do find I like Paul though even when he was in Wings.

5.Leeches-I like to think that's pretty self explanitory.

6.Brussel sprouts-Let's just say this goes back to when I was a child and my mother would make me eat them. I never have really liked them, but for years as an adult, I'd periodically wander around the grocery store with them in my cart thinking I'd buy them even though I didn't want to. Why? Because my mother would have said I should. After therapy for that, I no longer do it.

7.Areas of standing water-See #5. I have a friend that once wanted to go to a "water hole" to go swimming. I guess she's never seen Stand By Me. I don't think so Skeeter.

8.Fire-Deathly afraid. Always have been. Always will be.

9.Things that hop. Not bunnies, kids or kangaroos, but toads, frogs, crickets, grasshoppers, etc. I don't like anything that could land on me while I'm trying to A:avoid it, or B:kill it. That being said, I don't have much of a problem with spiders and will even kill them, which I think is funny because I have of female co-workers that scream at the sight of spiders and run away.

10.How sad is it that I can't remember the name of the group I'm thinking of right now? OH! I just got it! The Rolling Stones! See the Beatles, what's all the hype?

11.Boogers-This is a little odd. When I was in 5th grade, I had a teacher that told a story of being out to dinner with someone who had a large booger hanging down from their nose, but didn't realize it. Ever since then, I've been somewhat obsessive about keeping an eye out for them on me. Another thing about me and boogers is that while I refuse to examine anyone else's boogers, when I'm sick with a bad snotty nose, I always try to get people to look in my hanky when I'm doing blowing into it. lol. No idea why, I like to do that but I do. Oddly enough though, my sister is the only one I can ever get to check it out. lol.

No sick puppies here

So, the Princess has had surgery to have an adult tooth removed. She's supposed to eat canned or at least moist dog food for two weeks, not chew on anything hard-including her chewie toys, and no rough housing for two weeks. I asked when I picked her up if they'd told her these instructions and they said they did, but clearly they didn't. She only acted sick for about a day and I can't get her to stop chewing on anything. She's very happy and well on her way to being healthy so all is well.

Yesterday I called her former owner to tell her of Tonk's illnesses and the lady seemed surprised. She said we could take her back, but of course I said no. Hopefully she'll at least take the other puppies to the vet.

A puppy at last?

Finally we've found an adorable basset hound puppy. We took her home on th 24th of April and do the doctor on the 25th to make sure she was ok. She was given a clean bill of health at the time, but we still need to take a fecal sample. We've named her Esmeralda Tonks and for a week, we were pretty happy.

We're still pretty happy, but currently the new baby is under the weather. After her being home for the first night, I discovered she had a light case of fleas. No problem. I said something to the vet and he gave us two types of meds to cover the problem. We thought all was well, but this past Sunday the poor baby's left side of her face started to swell. Thinking she'd been stung by a bug I gave her benedryl thinking it would go away. Later that night though, she started yelping when she went to tinkle. Needless to say first thing Monday morning I had her at the vet. After spending time with her they've discovered she's got a tooth that is either growing in sideways with a possible infection or a cyst where a tooth is supposed to be, which may or may not cause problems later in life, a bladder infection, tape worms and something called coccidiosis.

It sounds like for the most part nothing is life threathening. She's got an appointment tomorrow with a doggy dentist to find out more about the tooth, and she's got meds for everything else. She doesn't act at all like she's sick. She just wants to run and play and chew, which is great. But I have to say, I'm bugged with myself. I tried really hard to avoid looking for puppies from somewhere the puppies might not be pretty healthy. If the pictures looked remotely like they could have been taken on a puppy farm, I didn't even call. I made sure (or so I thought) all the littermates looked healthy. I did check for fleas, but clearly I missed the spot they were hiding in. I tried and thought I did a good job, but it seems I didn't. We already love Esmeralda dearly, so it's not like we're thinking of taking her back, but I do wish we didn't have to deal with all of this.

Something to learn:If the people say they've used goat wormer on puppies, tell them they're crazy and leave.